Your gf would have to gag you, bind you, and put you in the trunk to get you to go to couples counseling — you have such a hard time talking about feelings! Your frustrated, silent, inward “AARGH!” of agony goes unheard as her ultimatum quietly drags you to couples counseling “kicking and screaming” inside…
You keep telling her talking about feelings is not your thing. Why can’t she understand that? Doesn’t “no” mean no?
Whether you opt to crowd around her laptop for online couples counseling you don’t want, reluctantly show up at the therapist’s office as if with ball-and-chain, or cross your arms and put your foot down…
I want to offer you more options — options that are far more likely to get your relationship to a happier place.
If your girlfriend wants you to go because you don’t like talking about feelings, she obviously underestimates what she is asking of you — in either scenario!
Want to stop being threatened with abandonment, or couples counseling and emotional conversations that make you want to crawl out of your own skin? Read on!
Because although many people DO benefit from talking about their feelings…
This article justifies men who DON’T talk about emotions — and refuse to go to couples counseling or talk therapy altogether.
What if you’re right to refuse couples counseling, and your resistance to talk about feelings shouldn’t be the end of your relationship?
If that’s what you’re wondering, I wrote this article just for you.
I’ve been that gf.
This is my apology.
70 minute read time.
Table of Contents:
I specialize in supporting men in this exact situation, and I’ve collected some formidable colleagues who really get men like you.
You’re the only expert on you. We can assist in effective, less-painful exploration.
Our expertise lies in our lived experience facing a similarly baffling, daunting, impossible choice, and coming out more whole than before.
I’m not against couples counseling, just coercion and circumstances unconducive to authentic connection.
In this article, my professional opinions are based on the experiences of my one-on-one clients (men who came to me instead of couples counseling, in addition to couples counseling, or after a breakup), and those of my colleagues and intervision clients (including couples counselors and -therapists), as well as my own, first-hand experience.
I finally 'get' men who don't talk about feelings, and why you avoid couples counseling.
I'm a female advocate of emotional wellbeing for men, specifically. I respect and recognize how very hard it is for many men to imagine anything can make life fundamentally easier, emotionally, without threatening the very idea of what it means to be a man.
I decided to specialize while my husband and I sheltered the entire COVID lockdown in one room together, away from housemates.
It was during our first session with a couples counselor that I realized how perfect my skills, expertise, and modality are, specifically for men who hesitate/ refuse to talk about feelings. Encouraged by global demand, offering free or low-fee sessions at first, I eventually quit my day job and focused on my practice full-time.
The dominant North-American culture makes it very hard for men to know or articulate their own feelings — let alone guess what a gf is feeling.
It’s devastating to see how much you blame yourself for a systemic cultural problem… while you suffer under it, yourself, too.
The hidden cost of couples counseling for men who hate talking about feelings.
I get it. You don’t want to go to couples counseling only to have 2 people beating up on you instead of just 1! My ex said: “why would I go when it’s always the man’s fault, anyways?”
Ouch.
Now, 20 years later, I know he might have been right to refuse: there are plenty of horrible therapists with power issues — and plenty of well-intentioned-but-horrible ones who’ve never been the one “on the couch” in their entire lives.
Most of my clients would rather study psychology themselves than pay for someone else’s degree. (I teach you all I know before we begin, so you’re not beholden!)
If you’ve spoken to half as many men as I have, you know how taboo it is to tell anyone you’re in couples counseling when you’re not even married yet. Some people assume your relationship is on the down-and-out, so anyone with an interest in your gf might feel encouraged to keep an eye out for her availability…
Even guys who were excitedly reporting progress have told me how offensive it was when well-intentioned family members openly questioned their choices, offered them their old room back, or seemed to imply that they’d been “out of her league” in the first place — whatever that means.
Yuck!
The stigma alone!!
Even if that’s not anybody’s response at all (or you keep it to yourself), there’s your own image of what it means to have a relationship that “needs work.” It can make one ask all kinds of unanswerable questions, like: Does this mean that it wasn’t viable in the first place, or that something has changed?
In theory, that would actually be a great question to sincerely bring to couples counseling, and exactly what the sessions are for… The trouble is: the mere act of recognizing such a question exists in his mind can injure someone’s pride. Perhaps to a point that needs instantaneous (not scheduled) relief.
Catastrophic, black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking might write a great opening act for a movie, or help you envision and prepare for a real-life environmental disaster, but in the case of couples counseling, it just makes every action seem futile.
The opposite type of thinking — zooming in on the details in a remote-controlled simulation of actual acceptance — can quickly result in analysis paralysis.
You can get bogged down in impractical ‘practical’ questions like
- How much to budget for rescuing something as priceless as a relationship?
- What’s the break-even point or the cost-benefit analysis?
- Is it so absurd to want some minimal guarantees?
…and then there’s other ‘costs.’
Especially if your job/gigs won’t permit you taking paid ‘mental health’ days or having a weird, not-quite-100% day following an impactful session… the idea of changing your mind or attitude about your role in relationships can feel like a threat to all stability.
And all the above assumes that couples counseling always works for everyone, which isn’t true.
An ultimatum to go to couples counseling won’t help you discuss your feelings better!
Couples counseling is only worthwhile to individuals who participate to learn things about themselves that they’d discover sooner or later anyways, no matter who they end up with.
When it comes to uncovering feelings, unhelpful ‘help’ (like an ultimatum) can be damaging, destructive, and debilitating.
The attitude necessary to show up in couples counseling (being open to interaction, willing to be surprised) is the exact attitude that being INVITED to couples counseling can freak right out of you!
The ultimatum to go to couples counseling might be more destabilizing and destructive than your partner can possibly imagine. An idea that’s more ableist than supportive.
What if you resist couples counseling for good reasons you can’t quite express emotionally or explain?
Did you know that 10% of the population CAN’T talk about feelings?
Ten percent is a LOT of people! And guess what? Talk therapy, specifically, can make for worse outcomes for this large swath of the population, which includes women, too. More on that in the FAQ, below.
In addition, if you’re raised male, you probably know the taunt “you ___ like a girl” or were told to “Grow up!” “Buck up!” “Man up!” or “Suck it up!”
That is so unfair.
It’s simply not right.
And just because it’s in the past, doesn’t make its echoes go away.
A disproportionate number of men have lived experience with numbing, addiction, and a tendency to avoid conversations about feelings due to social, not biological reasons. To me, this fact is heart-rending, but it makes perfect sense.
Ironically, men who adapt by not talking about feelings, might get invited to couples counseling more than others...
Men who adapt by not talking about feelings, might get invited to couples counseling more than others… ironically.
Adaptation. Agility. Responding to circumstances. It’s an advantage, right?
Here’s a list of what are, at first, advantageous responses. While reading them, you might notice how often they are necessary, praised, and valued highly in the dominant North-American culture:
-
- Studiousness,
- workaholism,
- people-pleasing,
- fighting,
- hiding,
- secrecy,
- not giving a fuck…
These are great ways to reclaim autonomy when your feelings are unwelcome. When your first-hand experience of life is being discounted, dismissed, or gaslit.
Temporarily, they work wonders and get you into a better position to escape. Each and every one is an intelligent, ingenious, innovative response …to an abusive situation.
Ironically, later in life, those same, previously appropriate responses cause the exact problems they’re meant to prevent, avoid, or solve. I’ll give you an example.
How being trained to mute your feelings can get you into couples therapy territory [Case Study]
Case Study: how being trained to mute your feelings can get you into couples therapy territory.
The following is based on a conglomeration of clients’ experiences, as well as my own. To make it clear I’m not disclosing any client information, which I keep even more confidential than counselors and therapists do (e.g. I don’t report to authorities) I’ll tell it in the first person. Clients typically DON’T disclose this DURING our work; it just comes out in conversation AFTER the issue is resolved. I love that what seems necessary in therapy, is an optional after-thought in my line of work.
That said, this story is typical of my clients, who often speak highly of their parents:
Say I don’t remember crying out of fear or frustration at home.
I know/remember/imagine I would simply be encouraged to do my best. Makes sense, right? Naturally, I became ever more studious.
Studying and developing a great work-ethic is a sensible way to hide or ‘mask’ my emotional needs and unwelcome sensations. ‘Masking’ is necessary and good, but can be over-used.
Nobody has shown me that fear can be healthy, or how to tell when it’s actually best to let it run its course (instead of stuffing it/saving it for later.) I do not learn how fear can transform into
- discernment,
- good judgment on how much I can take on and what to delegate,
and, eventually, - self-confident peace with my own limitations.
I learn to study instead of feel or trust myself. Studiousness is a reflex, more than a choice.
Nobody warns me that my childhood-specific protocols should be checked regularly for efficacy.
Say I become an adult living on my own. No need to hide my innate, human, totally normal need for compassion anymore…
Alas, I don’t know how to meet this need alone. It becomes anxiety about anxiety. Anxiety squared.
How do I handle anxiety? My protocol!
I double down on being studious, working hard, and trying to outperform myself. This is not always the best way to manage present-day, adult-sized pressures and stress, but I have no other blueprint.
What was a choice, then a reflex, now develops into an identity.
If this particular masking technique is still my go-to response to all stress, including stress from bosses, friends, and partners, I am destined to become workaholic.
Workaholism is so common, and often praised, it’s hard to see it set in. (It’s actually a selection factor for partnership… that backfires in your face!)
Giving up workaholism could be more unthinkable than giving up life itself.
Under these circumstances, I might use food, drugs, or distractions that never quite fill the gaping void compassion was supposed to fill. “My parents weren’t mean,” I think, “compassion just doesn’t do much for me.”
I’d have no idea that in reality, recognition and comfort would’ve made me capable of routinely turning fear and sadness into discernment and, eventually, self-confidence.
I never learned that, so I dread disappointment and avoid hope at all costs. I live in more fear than those who learned to sit with fear. And it was never taught at school. It was made worse there.
So it is with a complete lack of self-confidence that I will have swept a lifetime of (extra) fear and (extra) sadness under this particular rug, with no real idea why my (extra high) stress, and my responses to stress are getting out of hand.
My gut-feeling, my intuition, my wisdom of what I want / don’t want, and what I’m good at / should delegate, hasn’t developed into confidence, so work deadlines give me headaches, issues with appetite, and disrupt my sleep.
Others might remark that my thinking seems overly serious. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I have no idea what they mean. What’s the alternative? Be lazy?
People around me talk aimlessly about emotion, but when I share even the smallest thing, they mistake me for being demanding. I keep offering them empathy instead of advice as best I can, but it seems performative, meaningless, and fultile.
I have little experience with empathy from others actually reaching me. I might discover I’ve never dared to rely on anyone emotionally, and can’t really let love in. Even 15% of the pain, suffering, and sense of isolation I feel, feels like too much for me to handle. I don’t want to burden others as well.
This is one way workaholism can render one unfit for work.
Paradox fulfilled.
My clients don’t have to explain any history or justify their behavior at all, so we don’t need words like “trauma” or “trigger.” My modality side-steps that altogether.
I just thought I’d write the above for the ladies reading along, in case they are now where I once was: baffled and frustrated as to why you might dread talking about feelings, while she assumes couples counseling / therapy would be good for you… good for anyone.
Why couples counseling might feel like too little, too late for the emotionally silent man.
Why couples counseling might feel like too little, too late for the emotionally silent man.
Once upon a time, simple TLC could have transformed each instance of a kid second-guessing himself into savvy discernment and budding courage. But if I was denied this a studious/workaholic response would be wise as a kid, but become automatic. I would grow into a false identity.
Now it’s too late for just TLC. I might have an incrementally less and less accurate assessment of what I should say “no” to, and lack the practice and courage to delegate or trust others to be motivated or capable of helping.
TLC is nice, but to address the compounded problem, I’d need skilled help at dismantling this ticking time bomb that might just detonate and implode my identity, my relationships, and my ability to work.
And this is where many men are, when their gf insists couples counseling will help him talk about his feelings… making him feel like a shunned, shamed, shy child all over again.
If you’ve been puzzled as to how you might release pent-up emotions and their unwanted impacts on the present and arrive at your true self, without talking about feelings in couples counseling, or revisiting any memories talk-therapy style, there are many ways to do so. It can be surprisingly fast.
If you want help choosing from multiple great alternatives, contact me. (And no, I’m not helping men release pent-up emotions by prostituting my time. I offer a money-back guarantee on permanently dismantling a mood-bomb within a certain period of time, and I refer out if mine are not the right services for you.)
It's a false choice to think you can get to a win/win in the conversation format your gf is offering -- OR EVEN in a changed conversation format like the diagram proposes!
To get the happy girlfriend you want, you'd have to actually change the conversation.
Many men who have this issue don't have the gut-feeling intrinsic guidance to confidently get this vulnerable with someone so important to them... But that intrinsic guidance becomes completely natural and accessible once you FIRST get support from someone in my line of work.
Top-5 FAQ from men who don’t talk about feelings re: couples counseling
In my experience, men who don’t get very emotional frequently ask questions of a technical nature that seem deceptively rhetorical.
These FAQ are all but rhetorical. They’re sincere questions.
I address them one by one, below.
1) Will couples counseling fail if I don't say much, talking is hard for me, or expressing my feelings feels bad/ weird/ wrong?
TL;DR In my experience, all goals for couples counseling will fail until all parties accept the fact that you shut down instead of being able to talk about feelings.
For many guys, something fully automatic is actually running the show. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s permanent, it just feels that way because that’s how it’s always been.
(For more detail, see Question 3 “What is it called when you can’t verbalize your feelings?”)
1) Will couples counseling fail if I don’t say much, talking is hard for me, or expressing my feelings feels bad/ weird/ wrong?
If the purpose of couples counseling is to reach some OTHER goal that relies on you FIRST sharing about feelings (for example, if your gf wants you to be better at listening to HER feelings and spend less time playing video games,) then yes, couples counseling can fail by focusing on behavior and failing to recognize the most basic ingredients (both of you feeling safe talking about feelings) as a priority.
Furthermore, even if addressing your automatic shut-downs is goal #1 on a list of goals, chances are pretty poor that goal #1 will get all the time it actually needs to truly become a non-issue, so again: couples counseling could fail you there.
If the ONLY goal of couples counseling is to offer space and safety to relax whatever mechanism shuts you down, and all 3 of you are open to being surprised as to why, then maybe couples counseling can help.
But beware: talking about something that involuntarily mutes you requires special facilitation.
By definition, couples therapists get little opportunity to practice such skills on anyone: many guys like you don’t show up in the first place, plus(!) it’s an ethics issue as well as a chicken-or-the-egg issue to whether they even should or can. How would they get any practice on guy who are being dragged into couples counseling involuntarily, under duress, and against his own will/instincts?
You can’t ethically help an adult change their thoughts and feelings without their consent or trust.
If the only goal of couples counseling is to offer you room to explore in complete safety, free of pressure to perform, so you can access and more thoroughly become your best self… why would your girlfriend need to be present?
2) Can couples counseling make things worse if I can't talk about feelings without shutting down?
TL;DR: Talk therapy can make things worse for men who are uncomfortable talking about feelings, yes, so screen against over-confident counselors and consider alternatives to couples counseling if three out of three couples therapists you interview (for free) don’t feel quite right for you, even if you can’t put your finger on why.
Talking about feelings might be something that your girlfriend thinks of as merely a stepping stone to her own ‘greater’ goals for the two of you (see question 1), so if you don’t want to end up feeling ashamed and disempowered, don’t let your gf pick the therapy AND the counselor AND set the goals.
2) Can couples counseling make things worse if I can’t talk about feelings without shutting down?
Of those of us who don’t sense or speak feelings, many have clear thoughts or full-blown ideas instead, or spontaneously act out of extreme stress. It’s perfectly common for those thoughts or actions to include what seems like violence. If you are honest about urges or ideas of hurting anyone, even yourself, and even if such plans come to your mind unbidden and you have no urge to act on them, this kind of self-regulation strategies or expressions of need for the comfort of home can be misinterpreted and paradoxically result in unexpected, involuntary psychiatric incarceration. It’s life-altering, to say the least.
That said, even if you have no such ideas or if you keep them completely to yourself, couples counseling that relies on the voicing of feelings can be unnecessarily difficult for guys who don’t feel comfortable doing it. For these men, even the idea of attending talk-therapy can be stigmatizing, cruel, and debilitating. If energy came in spoonfulls, it might use all their ‘spoons’ for the week.
Intense grief isn’t the only perfectly reasonable cause of temporary mutism. Many people are unable to voice anything at all, or just feelings in particular, for reasons they themselves don’t understand, and stay intermittently mute until that specific mechanism is supported in releasing its grip on them.
Some counselors believe they should cajole all of their “patients” into sharing their feelings, even though that’s been scientifically proven to backfire in certain situations. Others might do the same damage at a slower pace, believing they are earning your trust, without realizing they plan to apply an altogether mismatched framework or modality once they have won it.
If you would like support from a professional in defending your right to privacy, to not have to “share your feelings” or risk losing your lover altogether, you might need to openly state that as your goal. Doing so in the free intake should screen against any of the therapists with unrealistic, non-consensual goals for you.
Not all therapists are aware enough to screen for or try to help you figure out the possible causes for difficulty expressing yourself. And they still charge!
Addiction has been shown to be worsened by talk therapy in “patients” who don’t have verbal skill at emotional self-expression. Without recognizing that mismatch, talk therapy can actually compound the experience of loneliness at the root of addiction. Well-intentioned counselors and therapists can add to existing shame and stigma with erroneous assumptions.
3) What is it called when you can't verbalize your feelings and you don't want advice, therapy, analysis, diagnosis, treatment, or a 'cure'?
TL;DR This is a long answer, because terminology for “a lack of verbal self-expression in couples counseling” depends on why. But it’s worth it, because for many of us, it’s unrewarding and energy-zapping to play the guessing game of “listening to people talk about feelings” without the natural responses of problem-solving or blurting out whatever stories listening attentively brought to mind.
10% of the population (explained below) is a huge number of people, and for these folks, the closest thing to the relief others get from having feelings guessed correctly, is finding out there is a word for our common experience!
I AM NOT A THERAPIST. My expertise is that I have lived experience of half of the 7 terms I elude to below. This is not medical or mental health advice, just an article supporting people who don’t like advice.
3) What is it called when you can’t verbalize your feelings and you don’t want advice, therapy, analysis, diagnosis, treatment, or a ‘cure’?
Persistent Drive for Autonomy, or PDA (which goes by another, more diagnostic term, too) can take a nervous system out of gear, often with socially and personally disastrous consequences like shame and involuntary loneliness.
If you’re involuntarily “stubborn” and unwilling to do things when prompted (but you can still engage your voicebox), PDA might explain what’s going on.
Before I go into the 6 other terms that could label or explain things (feel free to skip to two headers down), I just want to comisserate with you about the requirements of talk therapy.
That world, including couples counseling, seems to require words from a specific subset of linguistic labels. Feelings vocabulary such as “sad,” “mad,” “glad,” etc. that can feel hard to interpret with any confidence.
Interpreting what someone else means by a supposedly common word like “sad” might, for some of us, be a fully conscious effort that leaves more questions than it answers, never feels complete, costs a lot of mental and emotional energy, and (and here’s the kicker) causes more pain and stress in one person than it can possibly resolve in another.
I don’t indulge psychoanalysis and I don’t talk about diagnoses or terminology with my clients, but the words my clietns have brought to me themselves make sense to me.
Many of my clients’ auto-pilots sacrifice interoception (internal awareness) and prioritize exteroception (attention to external stimuli) when under stress. This makes it hard to listen for long without ignoring or even erasing yourself completely, and needing extensive recovery time after with zero pressure to perform on demand.
The lack of attention to your innerds — plus a general love of exactitude — makes it all the harder to use “feelings language” to describe your experience, because a) what you’d be trying to describe is so darn uncomfortable… b) that language is unfamiliar… c) it’s rare for people to be patient enough, understand you, or help you by guessing correctly… and d) the typical “feelings vocabulary”available is just too simplistic and inexact to do your pain any justice.
No wonder we tend to leap straight to solution-finding!
In summary: Dictionary language might be ‘good enough’ to help many people feel heard, seen, and less alone, but more than 10% of the population doesn’t have that beneficial experience. So the game of guessing at others’ feelings is a lot less rewarding and more stressful.
10% of the population CAN’T talk about feelings, and couples counseling doesn’t change that.
What is that called, you ask?
7 Reasons Couples Counseling Fails Men Who Don’t Talk About Feelings
I’ve hinted at PDA, at the top of FAQ #3. But what is this 10% of the population I keep mentioning over and over?
If talking about feelings is always where you get tongue-tied, maybe it’s because you can’t feel your body and trust what you sense, or feelings vocabulary others use just doesn’t feel applicable, true, or right for some other reason. There are tests to find out whether you have Alexithymia. A-lexi = no-words for. Thymia = feelings/passions. (It is NOT a diagnosis in the DSM. Again: I have therapists as clients, but am not a therapist, myself.)
Alexithymia can be physical, like your wiring just won’t let you, but it can also be enculturated.
If you think that
- feelings don’t matter,
- feelings are imaginary,
- feelings are red herrings,
- feelings are sinful, or
- feelings should not be respected, given credence, or paid any mind, like I was taught when I was a little girl…
… then maybe you have the same kind of Alexithymia I used to have.
This kind of enculturated numbness to inner experience happens so extensively, systematically, and systemically to males, specifically, that Alexithymia with socialized self-denial at its root is called Normal Male Alexithymia.
It’s a little weird, but it’s true: I am a female who has had to live with (and then overcame, and set out to help others overcome) something that is technically called Normal Male Alexithymia.
If you can identify feelings and share your inner world in text or in a journal, maybe look beyond Alexithymia.
Physical/physiological difficulty vocalizing more than just feelings in couples counseling?
If you’re being threatened with abandonment if you don’t say all the right things in couples counseling, or if you’re viscerally repelled by the way your couples therapist smells, or if they remind you of someone you had a bad experience with in the past, those are examples of things that can cause many people to lose their ability to speak both during and after sessions — or, more commonly, refuse to go in the first place.
If your voicebox is completely out of gear, a couples counselor should ask you whether your voice comes back after you escape the situation that causes it, to help you determine whether you have Reactive Mutism. Reactive Mutism follows you home, and no matter how much anyone ridicules the cause, the situation causing it has to be changed, not your perspective on it.
It’s important you don’t get “treatment” for the wrong kind of Mutism, because trying to force yourself to be exposed to the stressful situation a little bit at a time (“exposure therapy”) only makes Reactive Mutism worse, and can lead to you developing additional types of involuntary Mutism, of which I will list a few below.
Low Profile Selective Mutism might be something you want to look into if people call you “extremely shy” but for you it’s debilitating. Low Profile Selective Mutism involves pushing yourself to utter some words when you really don’t have the capacity to speak at all. Speaking comes at far greater cost to you than it would for many others.
Examples of aftermath can include things like flying off the handle, meltdowns, migraines, compulsive ‘spacing out’ and ‘addictive’ behavior, often for long periods. I want to help you with this — without talk therapy.
Quieter still than Low Profile Selective Mutism is just plain Selective Mutism, often referred to as Situational Mutism; a phobia of the expectation to speak. It only affects one in one particular setting (e.g. couples counseling, or public speaking, or on the phone) and doesn’t follow you home.
Situational Mutism is a still-ambiguous term many laypeople prefer when talking about what is medically referred to as Selective Mutism, because Selective Mutism isn’t elective; it’s not a conscious choice to simply not talk. ‘Selective Mutism,’ isn’t like ‘Selective Hearing,’ where we ‘tune out’ some sounds in favor of what we’re listening for (an ability I am slowly regaining since a Traumatic Brain Injury robbed me of it in 2019.) Like the other terms discussed above, Selective Mutism is not a conscious choice.
It’s NOT YOUR FAULT you can’t voice your feelings in couples counseling.
Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA), Selective Mutism, Situational Mutism, Reactive Mutism, Low Profile Selective Mutism, Alexithymia, and Normal Male Alexithymia are not at all elective, voluntary, or a preference.
Many men tell themselves they choose not to talk about feelings voluntarily, only to discover in couples therapy that what might seem like a preference can’t simply be overridden when they choose to.
If that’s you, I want you to know: I will never pressure you to do what your girlfriend claims is “normal.” I will never demand you answer a question. I will give you a lot more predictability as to what I am going to ask, and all the non-verbal ways you can respond, than is offered in see-as-you-go, conversational therapy: I don’t do anything like talk therapy, but my clients get results they thought were only attainable through talk therapy (or a miracle).
You can’t explain what you can’t explain, and I won’t make you. My clients directly experience, see, and feel trust in themselves return… or set in for the first time in their lives, ever.
For Mutism to stop happening to you altogether, your brain would have to respond differently to real and perceived threats. Mine sure does. And my clients tell me the things that used to feel stressful, simply don’t anymore. No more fake calm!
There are no absolute guarantees in life, but if I can’t help, you’d get your money back …and you would finally have had an experience of not being coerced, shamed, or grossly misunderstood!
4) How to get out of going to couples counseling if I'm uncomfortable talking about feelings? My gf wants couples counseling but I don't. I won't go.
TL;DR If your gf has proposed an ultimatum (couples counseling or abandonment) it might be wise to get yourself a better kind of support you’d benefit from either way — something that’ll be yours and supoprtive and helpful, regardless of whether she drags you into fights challenging you to defend your views (on couples counseling/her/love in general) or this is what breaks you up and you’re left to lick your own wounds.
You can opt out of that lose-lose scenario and transform it into a win-win-win by inviting support you do want into your life, and by honestly telling your gf it’s part of making the conversation about couples counseling (yea or nay) more collaborative, constructive, and clear.
4) How to get out of going to couples counseling if I’m uncomfortable talking about feelings?
My gf wants couples counseling but I don’t.
I won’t go.
For this example, I’m going to pretend your gf is saying something like “you never listen to my feelings, never answer me when I ask you what you’re feeling, and you refuse to go to couples counseling: you’re making this relationship impossible!”
First, I want to offer you a ton, a ton of empathy for having to even hear that.
-
- The absolutes (“never,” “never,” and “impossible”) make the statements false by definition.
-
- The adding up of 3 things as if the conclusion flows naturally from those, catastrophizes and confuses.
-
- The last bit, about the relationship being made impossible by you, stands in direct contrast to the fact that you are, in fact, still subjecting yourself to her opinion, even though it doesn’t bring you joy.
It confusing, but you’re trying to relate. Because you’re in friggin’ relationship.
If she were a stranger making absolute, false, catastrophizing statements, the fact that there is no relationship would allow you to shrug and walk away.
The fact that you are listening and trying to think of a way to respond stands in direct contrast against her last statement: you obviously feel love, and struggle to express this love, especially in the face of confusion, accusations, and blame.
I hope you re-read that, or do what you must, to really, truly let that empathy in.
Because next, it might seem like I’m siding with her. I’m not!! I just want to wonder aloud what is happening here.
What if she is challenging you, in an unskilled and highly unattractive way, to declare what you want…?
She clearly hopes you want her in your life, and that you full-throatedly declare you want the two of you to be happy together. She is showing a pretty transparent agenda. It might be misguided in that it conflates love with attendance at couples counseling, but that can be remedied.
She might be panicking about how very much she loves you, and how unsure she is that this can last long. You might act differently, even if you actually feel the exact same.
The issue is: you know you can love her and simultaneously refuse to go to couples counseling with her.
She doesn’t.
Maybe you can tell she would like to hear “I love you” …but… her agenda and way of presenting it might make it hard for you to actively feel any pleasant attraction towards her /her attitude at the moment, and you refuse to say manipulative things.
It may even be quite painful to love her right now, because she’s demanding an over-simplified, behavior-based proof that threatens or denies your inner reality. If she’s asking how you feel a lot, she might even be implying you should declare your love to reassure her on demand.
That’s not love at its best. It’s unattractive, yucky, bah. It might even feel coercive, and make you want to just walk away.
If you’ve considered walking away, and it doesn’t work, I have some questions for you:
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- Do you doubt that anyone’s advice on what to do right now could possibly apply to your particular situation, your particular gf, today and at this particular time, and work for you?
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- Do you wish you knew how to convince her that couples counseling isn’t for you in a truly alive, wise, attractive way both of you would trust, because it came from deep in your bones?
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- Do you wish you had the courage and energy to pull off difficult conversations like this without needing outside instruction or pep-talks, because who you truly are and who she truly loves would be shining through your every thought, word, and gesture, and you’d have everything, everything you need to be able to straighten out any misunderstandings as you went along?
If you said yes to all of the above, I want to reassure you you’re onto something.
All this is perfectly reasonable to want.
It’s far more likely to work than any manual or instruction anyone can generate from the outside.
It’s perfectly reasonable, and possible, to become your true self and handle this issue with a clumsy new grace that’s both effective and endearing — to your gf and to yourself.
I hereby challenge you to tell your gf you want to talk seriously about the benefits she thinks can come out of couples counseling, and all the other avenues that can get you those benefits — but first, pursue some personal development support so you’re your best self for whatever the two of you end up agreeing to do instead of breaking up over this.
See what I did there?
You can
- take initiative to work with someone one-on-one who does get you, who does support you,
- who does recognize couples counseling isn’t right for you…
- and you can put that before couples counseling.
This would not only give you the presence of mind needed to talk her out of her couples counseling ultimatum.
It could actually make talking about feelings a non-issue in your love life and to render couples counseling itself obsolete.
5) How to keep my girlfriend happy without couples counseling, when it's so hard for me to identify or express emotions?
5) How to keep my girlfriend happy without couples counseling, when it’s so hard for me to identify or express emotions?
If your girlfriend is specifically asking you to talk about feelings with her in couples counseling, and you specifically refuse to attend, your relationship is definitely at a crossroads… but it’s not necessarily the end.
Couples counseling isn’t the only way forward. As long as each of you are willing to put in time and learn new things about yourselves, and about your differences, there is no reason to presume it’s hopeless.
Hopelessness can be intoxicating. While drunk on hopelessness, one can feel free of all responsibility to do anything, and just enjoy things while they last. The hopelessness hangover starts when staying carefree gets hard and reality catches up. It’s hard to be kind to oneself and get an accurate assessment of reality in that state. Issues of guilt, deserving, wanting results ASAP, and financial investment can clutter one’s thinking and make it hard to fathom any way forward besides what you’ve already heard of. Breaking up or accepting couples counseling as an ultimatum. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s not for you.
Whether you can sense and name feelings or not, the idea of breaking up sends most people’s IQ/EQ into a nose-dive: who would sleep where anymore? How different would life be? How to escape the ugliness of a breakup? And the kicker: won’t I regret spending money on couples counseling if it’s all over soon, anyways?
Having to bet the farm on whether something you don’t think will work, will work, sucks. It sucks money, energy, time, and morale. Your girlfriend’s enthusiasm belies her hope, but the whole issue is that she doesn’t see how hard her asks are, and you have a hard time explaining it to her…
Here’s a list of things you can do alone to escape the trap of a “couples counseling ultimatum,” and to help you meet your girlfriend halfway on the “talking about feelings” issue.
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- $250 – Available quarterly
Series of 6 mutual support calls in a small group of men who don’t talk about feelings and hate ultimatums, too. Peers help each other shop for meaningful, viable alternatives to couples counseling that fit your personality, and you actually get started.
- $250 – Available quarterly
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- $ 50 – Available on appointment
Learn how to use a card game that does the talking about feelings for you, so you never say the wrong thing, and drama is nipped in the bud within 20 minutes/week, no couples counseling involved.
- $ 50 – Available on appointment
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- $ 5 – Available weekly
Witness yourself and other men speak without getting criticized in a mixed-gender, flat-hierarchy, online meeting where sharing your thoughts about couples counseling can get you a surprising amount of peace.
- $ 5 – Available weekly
For more on those options, subscribe to my blog, below.
Often, partners who think y’all will benefit from couples counseling simply need to see what they think of as ‘progress’ — emotional development that, in the dominant North-American culture, was left up to the stay-at-home wife.
Her role in society was to care for children and neighbors of all ages and abilities, host the breadwinner’s business meetings, make clothes and do housework, and so forth. She secured household stability, social status, and professional promotions for the breadwinner. That was a 24-7, around the clock job you’re now sharing in, or delegating e.g. to the government through taxes, or to religious organizations through other tithes.
If your girlfriend is wanting couples counseling, one ear can hear that and take offense. That’s only human.
Your other ear can take that same information and hear her confidence in all she sees you capable of: great relationships have positive effects on job interviews, workplace success, sex life, social anxiety, addictive tendencies, and overall health and happiness. She’s wanting that for both of you.
Sure, by insisting on bringing up couples counseling, it’s like she’s wrapped the wrong gift, but you can kindly accept and return it and exchange it for something that fits you better. Something useful you actually enjoy.
If she’s anything like the hundreds of smart, attractive, heterosexual women I met before I decided to exclusively advocate for men… she’ll be ecstatic.
Just because you don’t talk about feelings, doesn’t mean you’re broken (or that you need couples counseling.)
There are many men who DON’T end up losing their gf over a refusal to attend couples counseling.
There are men who supplement or prepare so thoroughly through one-on-one support, that couples counseling becomes obsolete — and reduces talking about feelings to a non-issue.
And anyways: it’s common for couples counselors to recommend each person in the couple supplements the couples counseling with some kind of one-on-one support.
I offer one-on-one support for men who don’t talk about feelings, to help them make couples counseling obsolete.
Especially if you have to go to work the next day, many men don’t consider it very “supportive” to get all emotional or reveal their past, suicidal ideation, secrets, or addictions. Those can be hard even if you don’t get labeled, cross-examined, or committed.
I offer a completely different kind of conversation, with none of those risks. I work over Zoom.
I’m one of very few experts in a once-and-done type of alternative to talk therapy that’s perfect for if
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- you don’t want to go to couples therapy, talk about emotions, or listen to people vent,
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- you’re uncomfortable sharing feelings in couples counseling, and can’t bear crying,
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- you can’t communicate uncomfortable feelings without shutting down or going dumb or numb, even (or especially) in couples counseling,
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- you hate talking about feelings with your gf / wife / partner, and you’re pretty sure couples counseling will make it worse,
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- you wonder:
“why is it so hard to communicate about feelings?”
or
“what good is couples counseling when we’re just girlfriend and boyfriend?”
- you wonder:
I’m passionate about bringing out the best in men by supporting you one by one in discovering the real person you’ve always been, deep inside. This includes that best-foot-forward guy your girlfriend fell in love with, as much as your true self.
There’s no need to sacrifice what masculinity means to you, personally.
I’m a professional consultant to therapists in 7 different countries, some of whom are couples counselors. (Can you believe you don’t have to really receive any real therapy to become a therapist?!?)
Equality makes me a much better facilitator for men of principle. I have extensive experience receiving what I offer you.
I’ve facilitated almost 100% “difficult cases” who’d found nothing else helped — one of which was described in the famous book Gestalt Verbatim as extremely difficult (referred to there as ‘Albert’), and still was when he came to me.
That client is very happy with our work, is thriving now, and even other people are often remarking on the tremendous improvement in his anxiety, neediness, and general countenance. (Shared with permission.)
