If you care about a guy who has a hard time making meaningful human connections with anyone besides you, I wrote this for you.
I know the pain you’re in.
Perhaps your smart guy complains that he longs to be respected and ‘fully met’ …but he doesn’t let people in.
Maybe (for years now) when you suggest his isolation may be a factor in not having met “the One,” he accuses you of circuitous reasoning.
Or perhaps you just wonder when your brother/son/nephew/ex will “meet a good woman” and come alive! You’d just love to see him come alive!
Worrying is Offensive
If you worry about the smart guy in your life, probably
a) you haven’t told him you worry about him, because they’re afraid he won’t respond well, or
b) you have told him you worry about him and, indeed, he did not respond well!
Can you see how – to a man whose identity is tied up in solving problems – your worry that he even HAS a problem he can’t solve is offensive? That it comes off as a vote of non-confidence…?
Why Worry?
Of course, I totally get why caring people try to tell their smart guy they’re concerned. On the surface, it’s because you love him. You want good things for him.
When you think of him, you naturally want to wish him safety and ease and love and all the things a body longs for… but you’re unsure it’ll happen.
This belies that you’re unhappy with his current happiness quotient. You want something different. You want to impact his future. Again: because you love him.
Please do just admit, though: when you don’t get the sense that ‘happiness’ will actually befall him, what you do and do not say is really for your own peace of mind.
Worrying, Waning, and Warning
Worrying, waning, and warning are just a few unwieldy ways people handle wishing for good things in someone else’s future. Worrying is wondering what to do about something beyond your control… out loud, or to oneself. Worrying has zero positive effects, and, as discussed above, at least one negative one.
Waning is a W-word for avoiding. Avoiding a person/topic can work beautifully for temporary snafus. When it comes to isolation, it’s more of the same.
Warning (aka advising) works well in situations where the other party sees your experience as relevant. This is not then. Why? You are not him.
What to do with Wishes
Worrying, waning, and warning don’t work, but it’s hard to simultaneously wish for good things and tap heartfelt curiosity and well-founded confidence. Without curiosity, it’s hard to find out WHY your smart guy is in pain. Without confidence, he can neither address it on his own, nor with you.
I want to offer another path. You have probably done so much inner searching! I hope this is a relief, not another to-do. If you are willing to learn MY perspective on why MANY smart guys are alone and in pain, you may find yourself willing to think differently about him, which really does make a difference.
If you like the idea of ME helping him, please read the next few articles on referring, and why you should NOT refer him to work with me!
Either way, please keep reading for both your sakes. A few of my articles will strike you as on-time and on-target for where your smart guy is at. THAT is the moment to forward him just one article at a time.
What to Give the Guy Who Knows Everything?
One hand-picked article that confirms that you ‘get’ him.