I support men of science
who want better chemistry, so please:

Let Him Discover My Site Himself

I welcome and celebrate people
who have a knee-jerk reaction
to being told what to do.

Most of my clients
DO NOT
do as they’re told.

Have you tried not telling him what to do?

…without giving up on him altogether?

If you’re afraid to cause him more
isolating self-criticism,
upset, and/or shame, I get it.

That’s a valid fear.

You care about him,
so you get that it’s best NOT to tell him to

  • read anything,
  • visit this site, or
  • hire me.

You KNOW that will backfire.

There are many perfectly valid reasons
for a man to not accept
so-called “help”

(and why trying to override his hesitation
only walls him in more.)

You hate seeing him isolated…

For many people,
it’s so hard to understand the level of anguish and confusion inhibiting a man, 
that they repeatedly send him instructions/demands/requests
…and then shrug and sigh to themselves:
“Well… I tried…’

The human connection we all need…

He has that with you

If someone makes you their world,
it can be tempting to take that responsibility and power,
and direct them.

I’ve stopped carrying such dangerous, complicating burdens
by cleanly and clearly only directing my own life,
no one else’s.

Piquing his interest
takes care and integrity

Do you think a personalized version
of something like this 3-part process
might be kind, 
wise, trustworthy and effective?

What’s a topic he’s complained to you about recently?

If you can find one of my blogs on his favorite social medium that addresses that topic… that’d be great.

It’s best if it requires zero imagination or effort on his part to see the relevance, credibility, and value… and if my opinion is one he agrees with or was on his way to constructing.

Especially if you’ve argued with him about it.

Hey, I saw X [e.g. an infographic], and I think it helps me better understand your perspective on _____. [e.g. gender politics]

I wonder what you think…

If it starts a conversation, great!

If not, I’d only wait a few days (instead of weeks) before sharing a 2nd, unique link:

I wonder what, if anything, you would disagree with in this piece.

I hope it’s okay this is the 2nd time I’m linking to something by Bree — she just finally helped me get what you’ve been saying all along about ________!

Inviting dissent can be reassuring, and prevent him from feeling exhausted at the mere idea of having to either perform agreement or displease you.

I know I’ve sent you links to this non-coach, non-therapist twice before, because she really seems to understand “men of science who want better chemistry” (that’s who she advocates for.)

I subscribed for a while because she helps me see things more from your point of view, but… I have to respect that you’ll follow her yourself if you’re interested, so:

this [link to 3rd piece] is the last gem from her I’m forwarding you.

Be sure to use a different piece each time, and to consistently frame topics in the same way he would frame it, e.g. ‘not needing therapy.‘

FIRST MESSAGE:

Hey, I read ____ [link to article/post/tweet/insta]
and I think it helps me understand your
pespective a bit better.

I wonder whether you like Briana’s take on too…

SECOND MESSAGE:

Briana makes me feel so much closer to you — like I finally understand what you’ve been saying all along in regards to ________ [insert topic]. She sure has a(n) [interesting take/novel perspective/compassionate advocacy] on it, don’t you think? [link to a 2nd piece] But I can’t just keep sending you all her s t u f f. I’m gonna trust you to subscribe if you’re actually interested.

LAST MESSAGE:

I need to stop messaging you about Bree.

It’s just, she really seems to understand
“men of science who want better chemistry”
(that’s who she advocates for)
and I love that she’s neither a therapist nor a coach.

I subscribed because she helps me see things more from your point of view, but…

This [link to 3rd piece] is the last gem from Bree I’ll forward you.

Now, if he ever complains about something that makes your heart weep with frustration for him, you have the option to NOT tell HIM what to do, and just focus on what you’ll do and why.

I’m dedicating an hour to empathizing with you about this particular anguish today, whether you want the whole hour or not…

I just really know this is painful for you, and so it’s painful for me, too.

And the next time:

“I’ll invest half an hour sitting with the anguish about this before I need to do something else to prevent my heart from breaking.”

And then,
routinely, repeatedly, indefinitely:

“I’m gonna have to change the topic/get on with my day in 15 minutes, because otherwise I’ll  suddenly start nagging you to do certain things certain ways, and that’s a form of TLC mixed with anger you don’t respond well to.

“I accept that you won’t talk to anyone ELSE about the Mood-Bomb that keeps upsetting you, but I can’t dismantle it for you, and that’s all I really want, is for your pain to transform.

“But no pressure; I have 10-15 minutes most anytime.”

Would that intrigue him?

  1. You picking his favorite social medium and
    subscribing yourself, not him.
  2. Privately linking to 3 items,
    embedding each in its own, meaningful, personal message.
  3. Stepping into the trust you want to have:
    making it clear you are NOT sending any more.

 

This was, of course, just for illustrative purposes.

You know him best, of course,
and you know your relationship.

If your banter has included a lot of sarcasm, for instance,
the above could come off totally passive aggressive!

You do you.

In case you’re curious for my logic:

Subscribe temporarily

so you know exactly what he'll get!

Starting with the 5-pager:

😀 😀 😀