Isolation Kills – My point of view (and skills)

This post outlines why I have such a passion for supporting men in tech.

It’s not anger or “wanting to fix them.”

It’s compassion at how much MORE LIMITING the stereotypical male emotional palette can be on guys who aren’t jocks (for whom idealized masculinity isn’t working out, either.)

It’s my story of female emotional privilege, really.
And how and why I apply mine where I do.

This post is approx. a 10-minute read.

Who I help

You’re a guy scientist, perhaps in programming or engineering, and you’re physically isolated and not so sure why or how to make in-person friends anymore.

At a screen most hours of the day anyway, the prestige of workaholism, or the numbing stimulation of gaming, social media, or addictive videos can be soothing. You’ve deprived yourself of proper food or sleep, or tried substance use, just to feel alive.

You know you just want someone to love, but you don’t feel very attractive unless someone’s pursuing you, flirting with you, making sure you know you’re welcome in her world. You need an invitation so you don’t feel like a creep. You actually want an invitation to life itself. A personal one. Is it lost in the mail?


Nothing you find yourself doing by accident makes life-sized fulfillment likely.
If anything, it makes real-life social situations more awkward.

Alone, but not the only one

This issue is so common, so pervasive, and so bad for human health that there are huge industries knowingly causing/exploiting an addictive state of mind. Gabor Maté, M.D. talks about exploitative economies’ reliance on the predictability of a populous’ futile, repetitive behaviors. Capitalism renders humans into consumers by leaving us no time to tend to ourselves or to that which does not cost a thing, whether through overwork, or (more profitable) addictions, shame, and despair.

For “support,” you’ve got nagging, shaming know-it-alls offline (parents, siblings, exes) all but driving you up the wall or online to communities of unhappy peers pretending you can teach each other how to ‘score,’ how to know when you’re being flirted with, and how to detect whether the woman you’re into is a power-hungry head case in time to escape and find another.

Whether you participate in that culture or not, the fact that it exists is telling:

As long as you can’t feel at home in the world, comfortable in your own skin, and alive without a lover, you’re bound to make some flirt your world…

And here’s the kicker:
By making her your world, you make her resent you. By unwittingly asking the world of her. By giving her the key not just to your heart, but to your will to live. (That might be sexy, at first, to a preschool teacher, an under-employed coach, or a formerly abused nurse who wants a fixer-upper guy because of her own self-esteem issues…)

The girlfriend you attract while you cover up your pain will either perpetually try to change you into who she thinks you should be, or “do her inner work” at women’s circles and talking to friends and leave you wondering where the support is you need as a man.

Is love too much to ask for?

You may think you’re being modest, not asking for much: just one person to love you. It seems to make sense mathematically. But you don’t love yourself consistently, so the odds of someone else doing so are more like your odds of winning the lottery.

If you don’t dare long for a full, happy, healthy life in a body that gets plenty of in-real-life hugs from good friends… if you have only had bad experiences of community… if you think humanity is loathsome to be a part of, all of those belie deep-seted, well-hidden, humor-masked pain.

The fact that you act as if better is impossible, or you don’t deserve any better – even though you sometimes know you do – indicates you’re lovesick, homesick, or heartbroken about community, romance, and yourself. The plan (only daring to hope for a girlfriend-throttled, bottle-necked life) is doomed to fail you. She’ll be too vital to help.

Is burying this knowing keeping you from being alive? That’s exhausting!

Trying something new

Emotional pain responds to certain drugs because it’s a form of physical pain.

But if the emotional bullet stays lodged in there, no amount of coping, numbing, distracting, or soothing will dissolve your pain at the source. You need emotional healing, which you’re new at.

It’s really tough to be new at stuff, especially if you really want results fast. It’s totally understandable you need some early success, quick relief from at least a good chunk of pain, to not give up on yourself entirely. I’ve been there myself. I get it.

And I get that self-help books and guided meditations don’t work for certain people. Scientific, tenacious, exacting minds, specifically, can reject all woo-woo outright as “being told how to feel.”

That won’t work for you. You shouldn’t have to trust anyone else more than yourself, to heal yourself!

I get it. I’m the same way. I’ll never tell you what to think or how to feel.

The bad news:

If your heartache stays unresolved, the next woman in your life is gonna be bad news. You know it. Just more of the same.

You’ll pretend you haven’t fallen hard, but fall hard for her anyways. You’ll love the sex at first, live together, and then either find out it was too good to be true, or be plagued by the idea she’s too good for you.

The good news:

  1. This pattern can be changed without financial risk or emotional commitment.
  2. You know overnight results are unrealistic, but it won’t take forever.
  3. Once you know you’re actually on your way to being who you really are, you’ll be able to get all the platonic cuddling you need to make it through to where you really want to be!

I’m Bree.

My life changed when I went through the highly reproducible, scientifically backed, extremely personalized-yet-systematic process I now do with clients (which I will not name or explain here. I know you want to see if you can do it yourself. You can’t. I can’t. And no, it’s not hypnosis or EMDR. It’s empowering to stubbornly skeptical, hard-science majors, remember?)

I had been a tech in immunology and cancer research who was plagued by bouts of high and low self-esteem until I had means for accurate self-assessment. Then, suddenly, I became the person I’d always known I’d really been deep inside. I became apparent as myself. My relationships improved dramatically, and acquaintances kept remarking “I hardly recognized you!” in the 6 months it took to become confident in myself and how to relate to others.

It took another decade to meet my spouse, during which (out of intgrity and eagerness to live in this new way outside the lab,) I practiced other professions while waiting for the double-blind studies and fMRI experiments to prove that the modality I’d been an early adopter of was safe, reliable, and reproducible. It is!

That meantime was inherently rewarding because it was full of discovery, laughter, and accellerated learning. I built a robust personal village.

Now, with training in personal and social health facilitation as well, I’ve helped hundreds of people

  • make life fulfilling without any psychoanalysis whatsoever,
  • replace stuff they were addicted to with equally addictive, brilliant, life-saving habits of their own design,
  • wake up and love their not-necessarily-easy lives.

More importantly, I helped them be their own 24-7, live-in therapist. (I’m not one, but I’ve trained almost a dozen certified ones!)

I help frustrated men get the cuddles you need (elsewhere), talk science with a smart, attractive woman (myself), and stop living from fluke to fluke (from good mood to good mood,)
so you can

  • consistently be the man you know deep inside you can be,
  • find not only love, but lots of ‘like’ and ‘respect’ and ‘mutual high regard’ everywhere you go,
  • go places without fear you’ll be found to be lacking.

You’re not lacking.
You’re avoiding pain, is all.

You make perfect sense. It just takes sorting out.

I have a money-back guarantee on a weekend intensive that’ll rock your world and soothe you in ways you didn’t know were possible. Not sexually. LASTINGLY.

I hope you want to meet now.

If you read all this, it must interest you seomewhat. I want to hear from you! Please book a virtual coffee with me.
(Even if you’re curious to hire me, I delay that kind of talk until coffee #2.)

Will I refer you away?

  • If you are unable to be sober for our meetings, no judgment, but they won’t do you any good.
  • Same if you are on pharmaceuticals for psychosis, or have schizophrenia, alas.
  • Same if you can’t speak of sexual or possessive feelings without acting on them; fantasies about a facilitator as a surrogate mother, girlfriend, etc. are perfectly acceptable, normal phases to go through, as long as they are treated as just that: fantasies.
  • If you have enough troubles that you need an emergency support system, or help making decisions, please use other resources to develop those, first. I am not a therapist; I am not available for unscheduled communication or emergencies of any kind.
  • Anyone whose friendship I already rely on. This is a different, incompatible role, and I need friendships and community in order to be healthy, myself.

Again: I hope you want to meet now.

I’ll never tell you what to do or think, and… if this interests you, I really want you to book a virtual coffee with me.
Let’s keep any sales conversations at bay. I just want to connect. There can always be coffee #2.

You make perfectly logical, rational sense. I can prove it.

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